• Audrey Coyne Singing

We would like to show you a description here but the site won’t allow us. Published January 8, 2021 Updated January 8, 2021. For Subscribers. Readers can also interact with The Globe on Facebook and Twitter.

Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.

– Revelation 1:3

Last week, Canada lost a great man. More accurately, Twitter lost an active member. Andrew Coyne decided to stop using the site—but don’t worry, he’s still alive. Do you know who Andrew Coyne is? He’s a writer and a talking head. He had a lot of Twitter followers. Decide for yourself whether you care about his internet activity.

Most Canadians were unaware of the news, but The True North Times was devastated. We took action by starting a campaign to encourage Coyne’s return to Twitter. Using the hashtag #RepatriateCoyne, we tried to appeal to Coyne by photoshopping the writer’s head onto famous European monarchs’ bodies. With Coyne sworn off Twitter, we decided to use Twitter to hit him where he wasn’t. It was a brilliant plan.

For his part, Coyne was surprised that so many people cared about his Twitter account. In an email to the Globe and Mail, he explained his decision to quit by saying, “Lordy. It’s just Twitter. It’s not that big a deal. Just refocusing, that’s all.” Refocusing…what could he mean by that?

Some speculate that Coyne was tired of arguing with Ezra Levant, his archenemy, on the internet. These people suggest that Coyne’s decision to leave Twitter, to refocus, was not a capitulation, but rather a strategic manoeuvre. Coyne and Levant turned heads when they sparred on Twitter. That these fights took place in cyberspace proves that they were inconsequential. They were trivial warm-ups. Perhaps quitting Twitter is Coyne’s way of letting Canada know that the final battle between good and evil will take place in a physical venue, not cyberspace. This time, the stakes will be high, and the fight will be real. Canadians should prepare.

Audrey Coyne Singing

A few years ago, we bore witness to the Thrilla on the Hilla, during which the media party’s boy-Saint Justin Trudeau lay waste to the alleged criminal, Patrick Brazeau. We must assume that this too was a warm-up, a sign of bigger things to come. Today, the stage is set for Coyne, unchained, to challenge Levant, foot-in-mouth, to Canada’s next great celebrity boxing match. It will be dirty. It will be haughty. It will be worth the price of admission. Pray to your almighty that you might be lucky enough to watch it in person.